I know how to make a heap of money, I mean really big bucks! How did I make this fabulous discovery? Well, the novelist Dan Brown showed me, but at first I just didn’t get it. Maybe it was the murderous albino monk; or the dubious centerpiece of the novel centered onLeonardo da Vinci’s “The Last Supper”.Dubious, because anyone who has read the New Testament knows that people didn’t eat sitting upright the way we do today, but while lying full length sideways on couches.
So I read it, flicked it and forgot it. But Dan Brown isn’t alone: Steve Berry has since come up with “The Alexandra Link.” No albino in it, but a secret council of filthy-rich Europeans, ruthless American politicians, and a mix of Saudi and Israeli hit-men — all in a murderous chase for scrolls stolen from the ancient library of Alexandria in Egypt.
The author would have us believe that thousands of scrolls filled with priceless writings on secrets lost to the world, were spirited away from the library before Julius Caesar burned it down). The suspension of disbelief required is greater than that of a traffic free Sydney Harbour Bridge. I still can’t believe that I bought the book!
Now where was I? Oh yes, how to make those big bucks? Okay, here’s what you do. First, find something that’s really sacred — so sacrosanct that anyone of high moral or spiritual principle would never dream of demeaning it. (A word to the wise: Aim at one of the more forgiving groups, or you might not be around to enjoy those big bucks.)
The thing is, having long ago discovered this mother lode of esoteric material, Berry and Brown et al have mined it so exhaustively that you’ll have to look elsewhere for a new angle. Let’s see. The Catholic Church? Worked out. The Knights Templar? Panned out. The Bible? Mined out. Think! What’s so untouchable that few would dare defile it? Eureka! The Green Religion!
Wait…it’s coming to me. After years of searching, Al Gore finds the fabled city of Untouchable, until now believed lost in the land of Antiquity. Words such as “fabled” and “legendary” come to mind. But just as every Eden has its snake, I see another big name as Untouchable’s smirking Keeper hides some evil horror behind what passes for a smile. His job? To destroy those who would dare to touch Untouchable.
Meanwhile, in Washington DC (the antithesis of all that is natural) an ecological chameleon lurks. Outwardly cheery and seemingly everyone’s friend, his dated, harmless hairstyle and tax agent type spectacles hide a Machiavellian mind. (Note to self: Minimize these characters or storyline will become unbelievable.)
I can see it all: the Thirty-six Basic Plots in one unbelievable novel filled with almost forgotten but reprised useful idiots who clamor for Climate Change! Get a grip on this one and you’re home and hosed (well, at least home, if you live in a desert in New Mexico).
This simply cannot continue — my brain can’t cope with the energy upload.. I’ve given you the Secret: the rest is up to you. Think “New York Times Bestseller List” whenever writer’s block stares you in the face. Finally, don’t try too hard: the characters will ‘come to life’ by themselves if you’ll let them, and the tension will be resolved in a dystopian, catastrophic climax. Just don’t trust them when they appear, or you might join those novelists who’ve long been listed as Missing.
I say resolved because Immediate Fear and Ultimate Doom is what your book will have to be about. See you at the book launch (unless something that not even the Greenies could predict happens in the meantime). Maybe the Second Coming, which would make everything else look pretty ordinary.